J.Lo And Ben Affleck Are Likely In The 'Negotiating' Stage Of Divorce (2024)

Divorce is one of life’s most difficult journeys, and even the most high-profile couples aren’t immune to the challenges. Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck’s recent split may be making headlines, but their experience underscores a universal truth: Navigating the emotional rollercoaster of divorce is tough.

No matter the reasons or circ*mstances behind a couple's separation, working through the different stages of divorce can be difficult and painful for everyone involved (even, or perhaps especially, celebrities). And amid all the chaos and change—filing the petition, splitting your belongings, potentially negotiating a settlement, or even going to trial—it can be easy to neglect your emotional well-being during this time.

But taking care of your mental health is extremely important during such a complicated time, says Briana Sefcik, LCSW, a director of trauma and family wellness at The Last Resort Recovery Center in Texas. Truth is, even if you have the best lawyer, a top-notch support system, and a therapist on standby, breaking up is still one of life’s most personal and complex moments, especially because each partner will process it differently.

“The emotional responses to divorce can range from anger and depression to relief and optimism, depending on personal circ*mstances and the nature of the relationship,” Sefcik says. “Handling divorce is not about following a prescribed path, but finding what works best for you. Seeking professional support, maintaining healthy routines, and being kind to yourself are crucial steps in navigating this challenging life transition.”

The ending of a relationship is a form of grief—and therefore, it’s important to treat this grief the same way you would a death, says Esther Boykin, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and CEO of Group Therapy Associates in Washington, D.C. and Virginia. “Not only [are you grieving the] end of the relationship and the loss of that connection, but you’re also grieving the future you had planned with your former spouse,” Boykin says. Beyond mourning the past intimacy with your partner, even in an amicable divorce, there are major shifts in your connections to people that you knew as a couple, she adds.

While there are certainly distinct phases of divorce, each person’s situation will change the emotional timeline in some way, says Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LMFT, founder of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching in Colorado and the author of Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction To An Ex Love. “Your outlook on divorce can depend on whether you left the marriage, or your partner left you,” says Bobby. For example, if you filed for divorce, your first stage toward acceptance might be detachment, in contrast to the withdrawal someone might feel if their partner was the one who initiated the decision, Bobby says.

So, if your divorce journey doesn’t feel cut-and-dry, don’t worry: Most aren’t. That said, knowing the standard stages of divorce might make it easier to accept this change and (hopefully) feel less alone. Read on for a therapist-backed guide on emotionally working through your divorce.

Stage One: Shock And Denial (From Day One To Two Months)

Whether you knew this was coming or it was completely unexpected, you might find it hard to believe that the marriage is ending. “Disbelief is a natural defense mechanism to cope with overwhelming emotions,” says Sefcik. You may feel blindsided, especially if the divorce is happening against your wishes. Denial might look like neglecting former routines—skipping showers, meals, and normal priorities like exercising or even going to work. It could also go the other way, with you clinging to your old reality by still wearing your wedding ring or sleeping on your partner’s side of the bed.

These early days and weeks are all about giving yourself permission to feel and grieve. It's okay to be scared and take your time confronting this life decision; however, once you feel ready, you have to ground yourself in the reality of the situation, says Boykin.

You can do this by making two separate lists: one that describes how you want your marriage to look, and another that details what your life has really been like. “Now, look at those lists and make a third list of all the things you would have to do, learn, or change about yourself to move your marriage from what it is to what you want,” she adds. This practice can help you realize that the end of your marriage is not a personal failing, but rather a courageous decision, according to Boykin.

In addition to finding a therapist who can help you grieve safely, journaling can also be a helpful way to express your thoughts and start coming to terms with the changes ahead, says Sefcik. Start journaling before and after therapy to document your emotions, as this will make it easier to track your growth over time.

Stage Two: Anger (Three Months In)

Anger often follows denial, and manifests as frustration and resentment towards your former partner and/or the situation, says Sefcik. “This emotion can be intense and sometimes misdirected, so it’s crucial to constructively channel this anger—perhaps through physical activity, such as exercise or hobbies,” Sefcik adds.

There can be many causes of anger when it comes to divorce. A few examples, per Boykin: “Anger at being left, at the betrayal, that the person didn’t try harder, or anger that they just won’t let go.” No matter the root cause, this emotion is a necessary part of the healing process. “It's imperative and offers you insight into what needs to be different, not only in this relationship but for future relationships, too,” Boykin says.

Because of its negative connotation, you may feel eager to suppress or ignore your anger. Don't minimize the feeling; but also, don't let it become fuel for reckless or harmful behavior and choices, either. “Remember, more often than not there is tremendous grief, fear, and disappointment underneath the anger,” Boykin adds. While some mental health practitioners might encourage you not to lash out, expressing your anger in a safe and private place could be surprisingly therapeutic. “The more you express your feelings, the more honest you can be with yourself and others about what is going on,” Boykin says.

Therapy can also help during this stage, too, says Sefcik. “Consider talking to a professional who can help you navigate this anger without causing further harm to yourself or others,” she adds. “Practicing mindfulness and relaxation techniques like meditation, yoga, and daily walks can reduce the intensity of anger as well.”

Stage Three: Negotiating (Six Months After The Decision To Divorce)

The pleading and negotiating phase usually starts right after the immediate shock and confusion have worn off—potentially around six months after the decision to divorce. When you’re experiencing intense waves of grief, it’s natural to dwell on “what if” scenarios, questioning if you could have delayed or even reversed the divorce, says Sefcik. This phase can get your hopes up, lead to unrealistic expectations, and even prolong the emotional turmoil, so be wary.

You might find yourself getting back in contact with your ex, perhaps sending endless texts, constantly calling, or pleading for them to take you back in potentially embarrassing ways. You’ll most likely feel humbled, shameful, and regretful, but don’t worry: These are all (unfortunately) common experiences. If you find yourself dreaming of an alternate reality, focus instead on what you can control and start planning for your future, suggests Sefcik.

“Consulting with a therapist or counselor can provide a safe space to explore these thoughts and develop a healthier outlook,” she adds. For those without access to therapy, it might be beneficial to ground yourself with familiar people, activities, and self-care. “Engage in experiences that bring you joy, maintain a routine, and reach out to supportive friends,” says Sefcik.

Ultimately, whether or not you were the one who made the decision to divorce does not dictate your ability to feel sadness, grief, or anger, says Boykin. However, for someone who initiated the end of the marriage, you could potentially start to second-guess your decision at this point, Bobby says. You might’ve been in a more detached stage until now, which possibly included separating mentally and emotionally from your partner. In your eyes, the relationship has been over for quite some time—possibly since long before you filed for divorce.

With this being said, during the negotiation stage, you might wonder if you made a mistake—or even try to reverse the divorce, says Bobby. If this feeling comes up, be sure to talk to a therapist about how you actually feel before approaching your ex-partner, because this could cause a whirlwind of confusion and seriously disrupt their healing journey, she adds.

Stage Four: Shame Or Depression (Eight Months After The Divorce Is Filed)

Feeling an overwhelming amount of sadness is expected and completely warranted for an experience as emotionally draining as divorce. “Depression is common as the reality of the divorce sets in, bringing feelings of sadness, loss, and hopelessness,” Sefcik says. You might feel inclined to isolate yourself, both physically and mentally, as your mind begins to cope with divorce.

Unfortunately, society often shames people for “failing” at marriage, no matter how hard you’ve tried to fix it, Boykin says. “This shame can be heightened depending on your cultural and religious backgrounds, whether you know other couples who have divorced, if you have children, and a myriad of other reasons,” she adds. Shame feeds on secrecy and silence, so be sure to talk about your feelings, get a therapist, confide in your friends, or join a support group for others going through divorce and separation, Boykin says.

This is also potentially the stage where you’re telling people beyond your close friends and family, separating your belongings, and envisioning future milestones without your former partner. These heavy trials are bound to bring up depression symptoms like a lack of energy, difficulty sleeping, changes in appetite, and mood swings, Sefcik says.

If you have a history of depression, be proactive. Otherwise, the shame spiral can turn into a dark and psychologically dangerous place to be. “It can also be helpful to ask a trusted friend or family member to be your 'caution flag'—a person who will be honest when they see a pattern of concerning changes, and can nudge you to get the help you need,” Boykin says. “Oftentimes, we miss the signs in ourselves until things are really bad.”

Stage Five: Adjustment And Rebuilding (A Year In)

Before you can reach acceptance, it’s important to consciously adjust to this new era of life, both logistically and emotionally. Figuring out what your post-divorce life looks like is a process, so be patient and brave, Boykin says.

It requires courage to rebuild your life in a new way, but also a lot of trial and error. “Often in marriage, there are pieces of oneself that get minimized or set aside for the benefit of the relationship and the life you are co-creating with someone else,” Boykin says. “This is a period of reclaiming those parts and also giving yourself space to embrace something new.” You still miss your former partner, but the grief isn’t as all-encompassing as it used to be.

This rebuilding stage also signifies a readiness to move forward, says Sefcik. “Give yourself permission to envision a future without your ex-spouse—this is a second chance to achieve anything you couldn’t during your marriage,” Sefcik adds.

Remember you have many experiences to look forward to: dating again, solo vacations, new hobbies, and more time with your friends and family. “Find new restaurants to enjoy, cook new foods, check out that documentary your old partner would have hated, go on that solo vacation—whatever sparks your interest is a chance to connect to you again,” says Boykin. Enjoy the process, even when it's challenging.

Stage Six: Acceptance (14 Months In)

You finally made it to the stage you’ve been dreaming about: acceptance. This hasn’t been an unscathed journey, but you’re learning that the short-term struggle was so worth a lifetime of happiness.

This acceptance may surface past the 12-month point, but the timeframe for this phase will vary for everyone—it might even come in waves, says Boykin. “One day you’ll feel excited for your future, basking in the freedom of not having to consider a partner in all your daily decisions,” Boykin says. “The next day, you may miss the simple pleasure of sharing an inside joke or going to bed with another person.”

Those moments of sadness or longing don't mean you haven't accepted reality—they mean you are human, Boykin says. “You may always remember, whether it's with fondness or anger, what once was—that's part of your story now, and you can embrace the next chapter fully without having to deny those memories,” she adds. Accepting that your marriage is over is one step—accepting that you are now single and navigating life, dating, and parenting (if applicable) as an individual is a whole separate hurdle. So, be easy on yourself as you muddle through those circ*mstances.

Instead of the acceptance stage of divorce, however, Bobby prefers to think of this period as mental and emotional freedom. “Once you’ve hit the ‘freedom’ phase, this means you’ve done a ton of work on yourself and have successfully processed all the major feelings,” she says. “You’re actively thinking about your next chapter and what you want this to look and feel like.”

You may even look back at the end of your marriage with gratitude. You can still hold some animosity for your ex, but you no longer dream about the past—instead, you’re focusing on the present and future. “This is a powerful and productive chapter of personal growth that will set the stage for having more positive relationship experiences in the future,” says Bobby. After all, you’ve got a lot to look forward to.

Meet the experts: Esther Boykin, LMFT is the CEO of Group Therapy Associates and licensed marriage and family therapist located in Washington, D.C. Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LMFT, is the founder of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching in Colorado and the author of Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction To An Ex Love. Briana Sefcik, LCSW, is the director of trauma and family wellness at The Last Resort Recovery Center in Texas.